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It's not really that personal

Last night I had a breakdown. It was my first night processing that I am alone again and will be for awhile longer. I cried to God. I asked him to help me understand. I know that I am not truly alone. I know that God watches over me with every step I take but that just doesn’t shake the feeling of being alone. So I prayed and remembered that God once told Elijah he just needed to sleep and he would feel better. So sure enough I went to sleep and felt better in the morning. I slept a little longer than I had intended to. Whoops. Thank God my four year old is the sweetest and let me nap. She might be a terrorist somedays but most of the time she’s pretty understanding. I finally got her to take some quiet time and watch a movie today. So I am eating lunch and blogging while I avoid laundry. Lol Today is supposed to be a do better day (Olivia and I are doing it together) but I have left over Chinese food…….. Yikes. Sorry Olivia. I am cooking dinner though I promise… Probably spaghetti but that’s better than Doordash yes?? I think Colton is finally sleeping after putting him down three times. He was a little pissy. But excuse me sir, who bit who’s nipple today?! Thats what I thought.

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Colton is making some weird noises over in his highchair right now, so I decided to sit down and blog because I need to get this off my chest. Sometimes I forget how private people are and they are confused that I want to share big details of my life with anyone who will listen. Here’s the thing. I don’t share things because I feel that everyone needs to know. I am clearly not embarrassed by the choices I make because everyone makes them. But when I thought Mike and I were getting a divorce in 2017, I posted about it on Facebook. I had some pretty negative feedback. If we can share big positive news to celebrate, why is it looked down upon to share not so good news to get support? I really needed support and in that time I actually received messages from other women telling me that I was not alone! They were going through the same thing as me! That to me is SO POWERFUL. We live in a society where everything online looks so perfect and their lives are almost impossible to attain. People, especially people who don’t live around anyone they know (I can relate since I am a milso), it is so easy to feel like you're alone and no one is struggling like you. THAT IS NOT TRUE. There are so many people going through the same thing. I know God put me here to help others. Maybe that is to help them realize that they are not alone and other people have similar struggles. All I know is I am so far from perfect, which is funny because I can really be a perfectionist at times. You are welcome on this journey with me because I get discouraged at times too. We have to stick together. We weren’t made to be alone or God would have just made Adam right?

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Anyway, to get on with the rest of my day, I have been a little anxious when it comes to safety and emergencies. We don’t know anyone out here so if anything serious ever happened to me, no one would know for days. Obviously my kids would suffer in a situation like that. So today I decided to review emergencies, 9-1-1, and when to call with Harlee. Honestly she already knew all the answers which surprised me. When I asked what an emergency was she said, it was when someone gets sick or dies. 😂 (Kind of morbid if you ask me, but she gets the point) Then when I asked what 9-1-1 was, she said "call the police!" I am so proud of her. We haven’t covered that a lot. Maybe once or twice. Later we ended up going to Walmart to get a bubble machine and some sauce for dinner. Little did I know we already had a TON of sauce at home… 🤦🏽‍♀️ whoops. I made quesadillas after because I was so hungry and we were about to play with the bubble machine outside. It was 4:30pm. So of course Harlee was not hungry for dinner. I ended up making spaghetti anyway so we have dinner for the rest of the week rather than Chipotle. Lol While I cooked I played the song Slow Down by Nicole Nordeman. I was starting to cry and Harlee told Alexa to play it again… (This girl just wants to watch my cry 😂) So I started crying harder and took a couple deep breathes. Harlee said “Mom you’re taking a deep breath because you’re sad?” I said yeah. She responded, “why does this song make you sad?” I told her its because her and Colton are growing up and one day they won’t need me anymore. (Colton is literally pulling himself up now when he only started crawling a week ago. Slow the heck down dude!) Bless her heart she told me she didn’t want to be without me when she is a grown up. Little does she know that WILL change! I hope she stays my best friend forever. ❤️ Today was more relaxed, but it was my first day without an adult around for awhile. The kids are asleep so I am going to clean up and have some mommy time. I can’t wait to hear from my husband so I can share everything with him! Stay Blessed my loves <3









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